"'TWAS DA NIGHT BEFORE FREEKIN KRISMUS"
A New Yawk Christmas Carol
'Twas the night before Krismus and all trew da block,
Not a creature was stirrin, not even Ed Koch.
Da stockins were hung by da furnace wid care
In hopes dat by mornin dey'd all still be dair.
Me and this skank we was gettin ready fa bed
I wore my pajamas she had a paper bag for her head.
When up on da roof dere was a big crash
I thought it was a burgler I was gonna kick sum ass.
Went out on da fire escape looked up at da sky
And der was a sled wid dis freekin fat guy!
He had a red suit, and boots dat came up to his knees
In da moonlight he looked like Dom Delouise.
He had a big sled pulled by dese strange lookin deer -
He called one of them Dancer so I assumed he was queer.
As he crept off the roof it became clear to me
Dat dis guy was lookin to steal my TV!
Over his shoulder he had a big sack
As he came down da stairs I planned my attack.
As he came through da window I stayed outa sight
Den smacked his fat head Ba-da-bing! wid a lead pipe.
He fell ta da the floor wid a groan and a thud
I was kinda surprised dat der wudn't no blood.
When I rolled him over I near stahted ta cry
As he sat himself up and looked me in da eye
Hey! Yo! Santa! I'm sorry yalright?
Not for nuthin, he said but it's just not my night.
I got lost over da Bronx, I ran over some nuns,
Had a near miss by Kennedy, now Rudolph's got da runs!
I'm out all freekin night I'm busting my hump
But I can't go on now, not wid dis here big lump.
Do me a big favor and be a real pal
Take over for me and be Santa, Sal
I said, Hey! I'm from Brooklyn I ain't right for da part
But he said that Santa comes from da heart.
He made me an offer I couldn't refuse.
Stop at every house (except for the Jews)
I got inta da suit stepped onta da sleigh
Wonderin why reindeer smelled just dat way.
So I took off on my mission I din't wanna be late
While old Saint Nick spent da night hosin my date.
So dat night I was Santa bringin kids joy and bliss
And if ya don't believe it den Hey! Jingle Dis!
Since then every Krismus I'm out in da cold
Riding shotgun wid Santa cuz he's fat and he's old.
I'm his number one helper I been deputized
So on dis Krismus eve don't be surprised
If you hear a voice saying loud and abrupt
Merry Krismus to all, thanks alot - now shut up!