QUICK HUSBAND-WIFE ONE-LINERS ...
I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men, It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was darn near impossible.
A man complaining to a friend, "I had it all-money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman-then-POW! It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out."
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
A woman rushes into his house and yells to her husband, "John, pack up your things! I just won the lottery!" John responds excitedly, "shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The woman responds, "I don't care-just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months-I don't like to interrupt her.
If your ex-wife and her lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished!
=========================== WOMEN ARE COMPLEX CREATURES ===========================
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman.
If you don't, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying.
If you don't, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp.
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring.
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing.
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy.
If you don't, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it's bad.
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her.
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait.
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time."
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold.
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage.
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics.
If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction.
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting.
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring.
If you talk, she wants you to listen.
If you listen, she wants you to talk.
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
Top ten things you'll NEVER hear one woman say to another woman:
1. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim?
2. Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introduce myself!
3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm happy for them both.
4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.
5. He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him.
6. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day!
7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices!
8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!
9. Why can't I find a guy who'll have a wild carefree night of sex and then just go his separate way for once?
10. I just realized -- my butt doesn't look fat in this -- my butt is fat!
Top ten things you'll NEVER hear one guy say to another guy:
1. Does my butt look fat in this?
2. I'm tired of beer. What say you to a nice, fruity Chablis?
3. I can't stop fantasizing about Dr. Ruth!
4. Yours is bigger than mine.
5. I think those big, jacked-up trucks look ridiculous.
6. There's nothing I like more than a quiet evening at home, watching a movie on Lifetime about some woman who gives up her baby and then suffers miserably.
7. Want all my tools? I just realized I never do anything useful with them!
8. You know what always makes me cry? Those long-distance commercials.
9. I'm deeply offended by young women who go bra-less.
10. Our team lost 10-1. But we tried our best, and after all that's the important thing.